Intrisic Motivation

From what I've been researching, intrinsic motivation is largely defined in terms of it's opposite, extrinsic motivation. Extrinsic motivation is doing something for the reasons that we're used to: a pat on the back, recognition, appreciation from others. In the age of social media, it's your likes, comments, follows, etc. It is your inclination to want to do something so that others will be proud of you, so that they will respect you, so that you will earn some reward.

Intrinsic motivation, then, is more often just called motivation: "I want to do the dishes tonight" or "I've been writing songs again and I really want to keep doing it".

While most people will have some degree of both, with the help of my therapist, I've identified that I am largely driven by extrinsic motivation. I am not a people pleaser per se, but I do things so that I can serve others, so they will appreciate and be proud of me. I do them so that others will want to keep me around...

Why is this? Well who knows really. And who cares? My theapist is very strongly DBT based, and he respects my slightly buddhist views that the past doesn't exist. It doesn't matter why it's this way. If I seek to change it, I need only to know how.

So how have I been approaching that then? So far, beyond just being mindful of it (another core DBT skill), I have been following a specific practice. What I've been doing is doing things in secret. By things I mostly mean creative things, but I also mean just as as simply as doing the dishes but not making sure to tell Abby that I did.

At the start of a project, I will resolve to never show it to anyone no matter what. I'm doing it just for myself. This isn't a sacred vow. Some part of me, my shadow self, does know that if something comes out good enough -- or if I really just, you know, want to -- I could show people things. Interestingly enough, this does kind of follow the principle of not having to show off everything. In the past couple years, I've unfortunately used that last one as an excuse to just simply stop writing.

Basically, this flips the reward structure on its head. Not only do I have to practice being satisfied with simply "a job well done", but I start to get choosy about doing things at all because I know I'm only doing them for myself (and not just paying lip service to that idea like many do).

And then the magic happens. It's almost some kind of exposure therapy. Now that I'm doing things just for myself, that process becomes more and more satisfying. And I can reach more of a balanced path where I can sometimes do things because I want to show them off. It kind of resets my insensitivity to praise, which I read was something behind some of this (and easily observable in the social media age: creators and influencers are often chasing a "bigger hit", a "larger win", suddenly simply 1 million views isn't enough).

And like all things, like Buddhism and DBT, you're always practicing this (if you choose); you're never done. There is no finish line for building intrinsic motivation, and how would I know if I had reached it anyway? I must be self-satisfied with my own progress in this matter.